i'm on pills for me nerrrves

thinking outside the box

2010-10-01T18:51:00.000-07:00

"I am enthusiastic over humanity’s extraordinary and sometimes very timely ingenuity. If you are in a shipwreck and all the boats are gone, a piano top buoyant enough to keep you afloat that comes along makes a fortuitous life preserver. But this is not to say that the best way to design a life preserver is in the form of a piano top. I think that we are clinging to a great many piano tops in accepting yesterday’s fortuitous contrivings as constituting the only means for solving a given problem."
— Richard Buckminster Fuller

(very) potential CV

2010-01-04T17:41:00.000-08:00

as previous whiny entries show, i'm certifiable in a number of areas, including being #severelydisabled - as a govt hashtag might perhaps say...
i've been assessed as having high care needs, and am lucky enough to have help from carers a couple hours a week for the last year, which has made an enormous difference in my recovery from 5 years of being in a physically abusive relationship, wondering which would hurt me more, her letting her cut me, or preventing her and hearing (and feeling) her cut herself, and seeing the after-effects...still, i'm sure that's happened to you...

soo, to cut a long story short, i neeeeeed to work again. i'm lucky enough to have won some fights for bones, but it's time i stood up and showed what i was capable of... ;) but if i was the boss, i'm not sure if *i'd* employ me.. (well, i prob would, i'm just harsh on myself)

the hashtag is #getbobbychariotajob

/not better, but different, and lucky to have learned that without too much pain....and wishing good for others

google-searchable CV linked to twitter page attached....

David Brian Johnston
23

09/02 – 09/07 Customer Service Representative/Support Engineer, Unisys Global Infrastructure Services/Network Rail

Responsible for IT Infrastructure for Network Rail throughout Scotland, including signal boxes, signalling centres and mission-critical rail control through to large business offices – in excess of 60 client sites and several thousand users – most technically capable engineer in team.
Co-designed, planned and implemented current main server room for Scotland – Cisco, Windows 2003/Red Hat, 32x HP Altiris blade/ HP EVA San – have worked with a diverse range of other operating systems and hardware, including Novell Netware, Network Appliance and several Linux distros, as well as Sun Netra/Solaris.
Daily operations and monitoring, 2nd and 3rd line support and small projects (e.g. new server room as above, upgrade from HSG80 SAN/big box servers) within ITIL framework.
Implementation of Network Rail's rail fault management system with LogicaCMG, based on clustered SQL Server with a Linux link to mid-range systems – installation, configuration and support of UK pilot site and acted as technical contact for rollout to rest of UK.
Significant involvement in scripting, testing, documentation and improvement of Network Rail standardised server and desktop builds, working closely with Technical Design Authority.
Migration from NT 4 – Windows 2003, Exchange 5.5 – 2003, Oracle E-business suite to rationalise company data stores.
05/01 – 08/02: Systems Manager/Support Engineer, Essential Viewing http://www.essential-viewing.com/

(a spin-off company of the University of Strathclyde, developing video codecs for commercial use)

Responsible for all aspects of IT infrastructure, from basic cabling and hardware repair through to development of policy documents. Overall responsibilities for all aspects of IT support both internally and to clients. Design, implementation and administration of company network - from joining the company in May 2001, solely responsible for migrating the company's IT infrastructure from a half-dozen workstations attached to a university network to a separate Windows 2000-based server infrastructure in new premises, with Exchange 2000, IIS 5.0, ISA Server and Cisco PIX firewall, and ProjectCentral running on SQL Server 2000, supporting 25 internal users via wired and wireless connections to a range of devices and operating systems, and with a number of VPN connections both to the US office and to the mobile sales team. Specification, recommendation and purchase of all company IT equipment and software. Development, implementation and enforcement of IT security and disaster recovery policies, including network infrastructure security, backup procedures, production of IT security policies and security auditing. Development of IT acceptable use policies in adherence with company legal requirements. Management of software testing procedure for company’s commercial software releases. Co-ordination of all beta testing of company produced software and liaison with customers relating to product support issues.

10/00 - 04/01: Research Fellow/Information Officer, National Centre for Training and Education in Prosthetics and Orthotics, University of Strathclyde

Administration, maintenance, development reporting and analysis of national clinical dataset collected from hospitals throughout Scotland. Initial work included migration of data from stand-alone Paradox databases to central mySQL database, along with administration of Linux/Apache server, providing secure access to datasets from known university and NHS domains. Production of web pages (HTML with JavaScript/active database). Provision of all aspects of IT support to National Centre, including hardware and software support (including NT administration, a few Unix and Solaris boxes and TCP/IP configuration), fault diagnosis and repair, and liaison with external agencies. Development of expanded dataset, collecting information from a number of health care disciplines involved in amputee care. I was tasked with implementation of both electronic and paper-based storage and reporting mechanisms. Duties also included establishing data collection requirements of clinical staff, and modelling of allied data structures along with design, production and administration of data collection systems.

12/98 - 10/00: Planning and Information Officer, Edge Hill College of HE
Duties: To provide management information on all aspects of the college’s activities, in order to inform policy and decision-making. Extensive use of databases, including writing of complex SQL queries and also development of Microsoft Access front-ends to third party Oracle database, project management tools, and Internet/intranet content management. Thanks to my technical background, able to improve significant automation of data validation and reporting systems. Overall responsibility for Teacher Training Agency returns, and significant involvement with UK Government Higher Education Statistics Agency returns, European Social Fund bids and claims, and monitoring and reporting of application/ recruitment target data. Assigned on a part-time basis to develop a costing and pricing methodology for the institution (using Microsoft Project), as part of which the project team implemented Business Objects across multiple third party and in-house Oracle databases. I also carried out initial work on web-enablement of HEMIS, the main student information system, to allow dynamic querying and updating of records via the college Intranet. Regular reporting included postcode analysis, and ACORN and MOSAIC profiling for internal reporting systems,, along with financial, marketing and target setting activity.

12/97 - 12/98: Quality Officer, Information Management and Analysis, Liverpool John Moores University

Working within a small team, duties included the preparation and presentation of information, both for Quality Assurance Agency reviews and internal self-assessment processes. Interface development using Visual Basic for Applications and Microsoft Excel, in order to present a simplified interface to end-users. I had overall responsibility for development and successful deployment of student cohort progression reporting, using SQL and GQL on Unix/Ingres database, and development and use of presentational macros within Excel. I authored/edited all related training materials, both paper and web-based, delivery of training sessions and end-user support. I was also responsible for maintenance and publication of departmental web pages, using HTML and JavaScript. Acting as both hardware and software support within the 12-person Quality Unit, from specification and purchase of equipment and application software, through to staff training and support, hardware fault diagnosis and basic repair.

01/97 - 12/97: Senior Web Developer/IT Manager, Imagination Online Ltd.

A small commercial Web publishing company, employed as head of the IT department of six full-time staff. Responsibilities ranged from office administration, including interviewing and appraisal of staff, installation and maintenance of network hardware and software, IT strategy, project planning and management, design and maintenance of web sites using HTML, PERL, and graphic design software with some use of Java and JavaScript. Clients included NSPCC, Great Ormond Street Hospital, Admirals Cup 1997 and numerous SMEs and other charities.

10/96 - 01/97: Work placement

On work placement at Connect - http://www.connect.org.uk, an ESF funded subsidiary of the Liverpool University Department of Computer Science, specialising in the business applications of the Internet. My main project was the design and implementation of a secure, restricted access email to fax system using the C programming language under the HP-UX 10 operating system (ANSI C under UNIX). My other responsibilities included providing technical support and assistance to local small to medium enterprises (SMEs), the production of web pages for SMEs and also for Connect themselves (HTML, CGI programming in C).

Education / Professional Development

Jan 2005 :ITIL Service Management Foundation

April 2002: Microsoft Certified Professional (MCP)
70-270 Installing, Configuring, and Administering Microsoft Windows XP Professional
70-215 Installing, Configuring, and Administering Microsoft Windows 2000 Server
70-218 Managing a Microsoft Windows 2000 Network Environment
Achieved Microsoft Certified Systems Administrator (MCSA), Microsoft Certified Messaging Specialist

January 2002: Microsoft Certified Professional
70-224 Installing, Configuring, and Administering Microsoft Exchange 2000 Server
70-225 Designing and Deploying a Messaging Infrastructure with Microsoft Exchange 2000 Server

2001: Content Management on the Web - Netskills
Cascading Style Sheets, XML, DHTML, Metadata

1999: Databases on the Web - Netskills
ASP, ColdFusion, PERL, ODBC configuration

1996: Postgraduate Certificate in Software Technology - Liverpool University
HP-UX/ Unix System V (inc. Korn Shell Scripting)
ANSI C
HTML 3.2, CGI scripts in ANSI C
X-Windows (X native, Xlib, MOTIF)
C++
Oracle SQL*plus, Developer 2000

1994-96: Diploma of Higher Education (Pass with merit) in Informatics - University of Sheffield
Systems Analysis, Entity Modelling
Case Tool Utilization (SSADM) - EasyCASE, Select SSADM
Project Management Techniques (PERT, GANTT, Network diagrams, MS Project)
Applications Programming, Modula-2 (Pascal), Visual Basic, VBA (Access 2.0, Excel), C++
Networking
Predicate and Prepositional Logic, Problem Investigation and Report Writing
Human Computer Interaction, Software Testing
Business Studies, Management of Change
systems produced - Access (Nursery records system) Visual Basic (CBT – textile pattern cutting)

Snow day

2009-12-21T11:05:00.000-08:00

Snow day

Today, I was out driving in snow - had arranged to meet someone a few miles away, so needed to drive...in Glasgow, you'd think most folks would be prepared and take sensible measures...but, no....

That's not to say on the whole we folks further up north have more nouse than you southern softies, to allow our feeling of superiority (*winks heavily*), but just looking at vehicles of various types, and the, um, 'unusual' behaviour of road users, there seemed to be one whole load o' stupidity goin' on...

Scandinavians, who drive in snow more regularly than us UK lot, don't seem to have half the near misses I witnessed today even in a short trip - or, indeed, anywhere near as many actual, real, time-consuming, inconvenient, costly accidents when the weather changes... (Glasgow driving in the wet can be fairly shocking at times too, but that's a whole other story)...and for our Scandinavian cousins, it's simply by applying a bit of common sense, both in preparing their vehicles, and in their behaviour when other road users are present...

it takes a couple of minutes to clear snow off your windows and mirrors before moving off - least you can then actually see what's going on...similarly, takes a few secs to clear the glass on your lights, indicators and other road users can see you and your intentions a lot better...

anyway, rant over - just pees me off when people drive like pillocks and act in an inconsiderate way....

Happy holidays! be safe out there folks! - or i might just let you hit me AND nowadays i always have the motion sensing video recording of the incident to prove it!!!!

;)

message/response

2009-08-07T15:08:00.000-07:00

Message: (from accident lawyer, received today)

"Please note I have now received a response from the third party insurers. Their client alleges that you were undertaking a vehicle on approach to the junction. Upon reviewing this case it is clear that it is your word against the third party’s and unfortunately there are no independent witnesses to support either version of events.

As you are aware the third party insurers have offered to settle this matter on a split 50/50 basis due to the conflicting version of events and lack of independent witness evidence. If you reject this offer the only option would be to raise court proceedings against the third party however I must make you aware that this does not guarantee a successful outcome. The evidential burden rests on you, as the pursuer to prove, on the balance of probabilities, that the other party was at fault. If you both give equally credible and reliable accounts of what happened, then the Sheriff will have nothing to justify a finding in your favour.

It is therefore important that you understand that that there are three possible outcomes if court proceedings are issued:

1. Sheriff prefers your version of events and finds in your favour holding the third party liable for the accident

2. Sheriff prefers the third party’s version of events and you are wholly unsuccessful

3. Sheriff may reach a split liability decision although that is the least likely scenario

I would urge you to give careful consideration to the options at this stage. If you do not wish to accept the offer of 50/50 then we are prepared to issue proceedings on your behalf however I would be reluctant to begin proceedings whilst you are still suffering significantly from your injuries. I would suggest waiting until you have been discharged from physiotherapy then obtaining medical evidence.

I would be obliged to receive your instructions on this matter."

Response (surprisingly enough, from me... ;) )

thank you for this, just received now due to computer problems, else i would have replied sooner.

There is no consideration needed - that is an outright lie by the third party.

I wish to initiate a court action, and see if she is willing to perjure herself in a court of law. While i appreciate that truth is not the invariable decider of a court procedure, i do have faith in the system, and utmost conviction in that there was no vehicle in front of me when [third party] turned straight in front of me.

Regarding my injury, after concerted work on exercises, I have now fully regained range of movement and am working on strength and co-ordination. The nerve pain and numbness remain, but I understand this may take a while.
I do not wish to wait any longer for a medical assessment, I am fit to attend a medical assessment and to undergo the court process...

One historical fact, which both yourself and the third party are almost certainly not aware of to date - I agreed to an out of court settlement the day before an employment tribunal, as i didn't have such support then - after 5 years of harassment and disability discrimination, i always regret not being strong enough to stand up in court and speak the truth then - it is not a mistake i intend to repeat.

Please commence court proceedings immediately. The sooner this is started and therefore completed the better.

Best Regards,

Mr Chariot

There sure as hell was no other vehicle in front of me.

I want to look into the eyes of that mother who was running her child home from school that day, and couldn't apologise enough, and see if she is willing to lie in the Sheriff's Court too..
If she is so low as to do so, i hope her child is there to witness it...

good news/bad news

2009-07-14T03:03:00.000-07:00

One of the worst things about having an anxiety disorder is 'habituation'.

- The brain and the body become used to triggering the fight or flight system with the slightest cue, often overreacting massively, flooding the body with adrenaline at the slightest trigger...

Instead of 'fight or flight' being a useful response, it becomes disabling - both when the adrenaline is (over)doing it's thing, and afterwards, feeling sick, queasy, drained and exhausted with the nasty adrenaline chemical breakdown products floating round the system.

Without wanting to be too graphic, one of the primal responses to fight or flight, apart from the eyes widening, hyper-vigilance, shakiness and so on, is for the body to want to make itself as light as possible should running away be required. so, nausea at one end, and i'll hesitate to describe the other..suffice it to say that the pain meds i'd been on for a few years should have the side effect of a large cork inserted, er, somewhere, my digestion has often been the other way, so much so i've had to sometimes take extra medications purely to slow down the digestive tract...

Aaanyway, apologies for the above slightly graphic paragraph, guess i just wanted to highlight that anxiety doesn't just exist in the head, it can also cause real physical problems too.

Back to the title - once habituated to an anxiety response, the damned thing fires up at the slightest stimulus, anything out of the ordinary, and WHAM! cue adrenaline, cue nausea and everything else...

In many ways, my trip away should be good news, but the reaction is just the same. feeling 'unwell' while at home is one thing, add the embarrassment of being so elsewhere, and frankly, it's not good...
In a couple of days, i'm due to go visit my parents. it's not far away, maybe less than 150 miles, but after the broken bone 8 weeks ago today, i think i'm pushing it to use my own transport, so am stuck with public transport or feeling guilty about my elderly father driving here and back in a day to come get me - which isn't good for him, and as he gets older being a passenger in the car gets more worrying as his road behaviour, observation, reactions etc. aren't what they used to be... couple that with being away from the flat and being unable to check things are ok, my OCD is also going to flare up big time, with nowhere to really escape to...

Meantime, just been getting quite annoyed with myself over the whole thing. i know, given my various conditions, ailments and failings, that there are good reasons why i'm feeling how i am about it, there's a very dominant voice in my head telling me
"FFS, you're just going away for a few nights to be fed well* and looked after, you're even picking up a hefty cheque while you're there (my folks have come into a fairly healthy chunk of money and want to give me some of it**), what the [bleep] is your problem?!"

To cap things off, i made the mistake of telling my support worker how stressed i was, and how i was feeling about it.. as she was visiting yesterday, she phoned beforehand and asked if there was anything she could bring, like milk or other essentials, my semi-jokey reply was "no thanks, unless you've got a shotgun and a couple of cartridges i can apply orally..."

Oops.

So, i'm now on some kind of suicide watch/at-risk register thing, and will have them calling me to check i'm still alive on the days i'm away - another thing which is just going to cause more awkwardness and embarrassment... :(

Still, i can't get out of it, so just trying to get enough medication sorted for the trip away, sort out my insurance and legal correspondence and a few other bits and bobs, and reschedule/cancel various meetings/treatments and so on while i'm not here. speaking of which, guess i'd better get going - things to do, people to see...

Anyway, whine over for now. one day soon, i'll make a more positive entry - honest!
(*holds crossed fingers behind back while saying this*)

Catcha later, blog!

Meanwhile another probably meaningless parable...

Conviction

Talal Nazaf was received with great honour at the Court of Cordoba.
His reputation had been known there for many years: courtiers and Emirs vied with one another to speak well of him.
A certain scholar, however, asked him this question: "I have read your books and wonder why so much in them is directed towards the stupid, and so little towards the wise."
Talal said: "Most of it is directed towards such as you."
That evening he was taking a meal at the house of the Grand Qadi (judge), who remarked, with delicacy: "A certain robustness of speech here in Cordoba might cause those who are well-disposed, and yet sensitive, to change their attitude towards a newcomer."
The Sufi said: "Those who have observed that such sensitivity, acted upon by forthrightness, produces hostility, have learned that such a change is merely a change of opinion.
"I am here to demonstrate that a change of opinion is in itself not a change of understanding. Opinion is built upon sand.
Knowledge is built upon rock. If a man is only convinced that I am good, he may be as stupid as one who is only convinced that I am bad.
"Conviction, far from being based upon reason, is the enemy of reason; because rationality does not change, while convictions do, all the time."

as collected by Idries Shah

*unfortunately the 'fed well' bit is a problem too - the nausea makes it difficult for me to eat most of the day, and also will probably be trying to minimise what i do eat to avoid the other, ahem 'side effects' - which is something that also worries my folks - they're really quite vigilant about that sort of thing with my sister having been anorexic for many years...

** the money itself is causing me lots of worries too - although it could really help (and i'd be lying if i said i hadn't been looking at the Ducati Performance catalogue for upgrades and a few other costly things!), think i'd quite happily refuse it if i could, except that would cause even more problems and worry with my folks...

blip

2009-07-08T11:26:00.000-07:00

I guess after doing so well for weeks, the anxiety was bound to come back and bite me. And bite it did in a big way, all the more noticeable for the difference to my mood of late.

I know what brought it on, and it is things out of my control and things that getting worked up about does me no good..but still it got to me...
6am this morning i was still awake, brain not just running at high speed, but screaming away banging off the mental rev limiter in top...

Last Friday, I was backing up an old blog from four or five years ago - one of the big stresses at the time was trying to get a replacement laptop from an insurance company after mine had been stolen, and I started catastrophising about the insurance issues surrounding the bike accident...

...as things stand, since the accident on 19th may, the 3rd party's insurer has changed from Norwich Union to Aviva, apparently with an internal re-organisation, meaning the paperwork was delayed 'on the wrong desk', it was then given to someone who didn't have any authority to handle claims and delayed there, was then given to someone who *did* have authority, but in England not in Scotland..it finally made it to the desk of an Aviva claims assessor able to deal with Scottish claims on July 1st... the liability hasn't even been reviewed yet..

Last Friday, I had a call from the accident lawyer, saying that the claims handler on my side would be in touch mid-this week after Aviva had reviewed it - I've now had emails saying Aviva may respond in the next 10-14 days, although legally, they could delay replying for up to 3 months(!)

...And there could possibly be lots more legal and bureaucratical to-ing and fro-ing after that...

I've also been told that any compensation for my arm damage won't even be assessed until I'm discharged from physiotherapy, judging by the way it is, that could be a while, or I could end up just discharging myself to get things going, even though previous injuries have shown me that's not a good idea...

With the gloom and pre-occupation with that, the anxiety just snuck up no me - I stopped going out for a couple of days, was even stammering trying to talk to anyone other than my OH - I even hid away from chatting to her for a couple of nights...

Had enough of the blip. Am on the way back now, off tomorrow to go and see the social work department to arrange the disabled person's travel pass i should have arranged a few years ago, also got a medical referral to my local swimming pool and sports centre for an exercise pass, and then got my physio in the afternoon, where hopefully the picture will be a bit clearer...

Just annoyed that as things stand, i have to pay the insurance excess on the bike to get it back when the parts finally do arrive... kind of given up holding my breath on that one right now too...good job i had more than one set of bike clothing too, although should really replace helmet to be safe...

Still, coming back, getting things sorted, not letting the buggers grind me down this time, accepting help, and grateful for a lot of things...

Guess that's my cathartic rant done, I'm off to try and be nice to myself and see if I can't do a bit better on the sleep tonight...

Until next time, another musing on patience...

A practical joker challenged Nasrudin in the teahouse: "People say you are very clever. But I bet you a hundred gold pieces you can't fool me!"
"I can, just wait for me," said Nasrudin, and walked out.
Three hours later, the man was still waiting for Nasrudin and his trick. Finally he conceded that he had been fooled.
He went to the Mulla's house and put a bag of gold as his forfeit through the window.
Nasrudin was lying on his bed, planning his trick. He heard the chink of coins, found the bag and counted the gold.
"Good," he said to his wife, "kind destiny has sent me something to pay my bet with if I lose. Now all I have to do is to think out some stratagem to fool the joker who is, no doubt impatiently, awaiting me in the teahouse."

as collected by Idries Shah

Planet Bobby - Mostly 'Armless

2009-07-06T06:43:00.000-07:00

hello blog, guess it's been a bit since we spoke.

probably not that much new to report.

getting a bit fed up with the arm. was pleased to get the all clear to ride a motorcycle again within six weeks after being told 3 months on the evening i broke it - i was fairly determined, and practiced my grip and resistance that would be tested. i'm also doing the exercises from my physio pretty well, but several times a day i shrug, or try and rotate my shoulder a little to put a jacket on, or slide my arm up a smidge and under the duvet, and just knock myself utterly sick with pain...
i've knocked myself sick just opening the freezer, ffs...

Far more pernicious is the nerve pain...
I remember as a schoolkid we used to have this thing of giving each other 'chinese burns' - probably not a very PC term these days, i guess. the so-called chinese burn was done by grabbing the victim's wrist by both hands and gripping and turning hands round the wrist in opposite directions, producing a feeling of a friction burn.. my arm feels like that constantly. also get shooting burning pain when i overdo things, and part of my forearm is numb... the Lyrica definitely seems to help, but doesn't last the full 12 hours...

Sooo, sorry if a bit gloomy of late, am sure i'll perk up again...just catastrophising things a bit right now and letting the fear back in - maybe it's time to come out fighting again, but i'm tired...

Meantime, something random.. how unlike me ;)

Nasrudin came late among the crowd waiting for the doctor's attentions. He was repeating with a loud voice, over and over again: "I hope I'm very ill, I hope I'm very ill!'
He so demoralized the other sufferers that they insisted on his going in to see the physian first.
"I only hope I'm very ill!" he shouted to the doctor.
"Why?"
"I'd hate to think that anyone who feels like me was really fit and well!"

as collected by Idries Shah

In Khanabad, Mulla Nasrudin was sitting in a teahouse when a stranger walked in and sat down beside him.
The newcomer said: "Why is that man over there sobbing his heart out?"
"Because I have just come from his home town and told him that all his winter camel fodder was lost in a fire."
"It is terrible to be a bearer of such tidings," said the stranger.
"It is also interesting to be the man who will shortly tell him the good news," said Nasrudin. "You see, his camels have died of the plague, so he will not need the fodder after all."

as collected by Idries Shah

A monk said to Nasrudin: "I am so detached that I never think of myself, only of others."
Nasrudin answered: "I am so objective that I can look at myself as if I were another person; so I can afford to think of myself."

as collected by Idries Shah

worrying symptoms

2009-06-23T22:37:00.000-07:00

worryingly better, or worryingly absent, that is, any way...

i'm off to see my psychologist of a few years later on today.

over the years, he's encouraged me to question my thoughts, with a view to challenging the unhelpful ones, not always an easy task with things etched in one's very core.

when the thoughts were all unhelpful ones, this was a good thing. daft as it might sound, i'm slightly worried he's going to make me question the thoughts about how much better i am than when he last saw me...
the fact i am worrying about this, and have other worrying, and consciously irrational, thoughts running through my head does show the OCD hasn't gone away, but i do think he's in for a shock...also the fact i've barely slept tonight still shows my anxiety at anything changing - after years of anxiety, excitement can be unnervingly similar..

i don't want to get my hopes up yet, but i do think i've made a major leap forward of late in becoming my old self again, just have to see if my psych confirms or denies my own assessment. so no pressure then.

oh and on the way back from that, i'm planning to stop off and sign up for a creative writing course.
objectively speaking, even six months ago me seriously contemplating doing that was about as likely as the jeremy kyle show getting the nobel peace prize...

so, watch this space, stranger things have happened :)

relaxation

2009-06-20T16:06:00.001-07:00

i've been taught relaxation techniques in various ways for about twelvety years now. while some of it is close to meditation - something i have practised, but not enough - imho, it needs many years of discipline to be able to achieve alert, mindful meditation, though i do keep trying and find this area has useful techniques, i've tried a number of others over the years, some more helpful than others...

most of these have been taught to me in the context of chronic pain management or anxiety management, and sometimes, on the odd occasion, i have been able to achieve such a state of relaxation, i'm no longer aware of my body, lost in my thoughts of an almost real, maybe somehow realer than real place where all is calm and good..on returning to 'the real world' the difference is palpable, and has carried benefits on for days, and even a pleasurable feeling thinking about those rare times even now. perhaps three or four times in twenty years... maybe other folks are 'better' at relaxation than me...

#1 diaphragmatic breathing
when anxious, or pain signals are constantly firing the sympathetic nervous system (SNS), the chemicals released into the brain and elsewhere often cause rapid breathing, taking in to much oxygen can have all sorts of effects, from facial tingling and dizziness, to feeding the SNS further - in case the body needs to make a sustained attempt to fight or flight, this excess oxygen will help slow muscle fatigue a little. breathing like a baby - that does not yet know fear, focussing on breathing, and filling the bottom of the lungs can help produce a relaxation of the body, allowing the parasympathetic nervous system - the 'rest and digest' cycle complementary to the fight or flight SNS, to begin to work, healing tissues, reinvigorating muscles..

it sometimes helps to visualise a clock face, one hand moving round the twelve markers - one second at a time, breathing in for six, and effortlessly letting the breath slowly out for the next six..it may suit you to stop the hands of the clock for a couple of seconds between inbreath and outbreath for even deeper relaxation.

while we all once knew automatically how to breathe in this way, we forget it... to relearn is a conscious effort, but one that is not too hard to learn, and once you get the knack again, it's a tool you can use any time - even a few seconds taking a proper deep diaphragmatic breath or three before a public appearance can help massively.

the best way to learn is to lie flat or lean back in a comfortable chair..

place one hand on the middle of your chest, your other hand at the top of your stomach, just below your ribcage
- the aim is for when you breathe in, you breathe in from the bottom of your lungs. you can tell you're doing this correctly if your lower hand rises as you breathe in through your nose, your upper hand moving relatively much less...

breathe in slowly through your nose - doesn't have to be too deeply, and count for six seconds in your head, visualise the hand on the clock slowly moving up the dial..
..after 6, then slowly let your breath out, gently emptying your lungs..

then repeat the process.

make time, try it for a few minutes a day for a few days. while practicing, simply focus on your breathing, the way your hand moves, counting up to six, then back down again...

if the above not clear please search online for 'diaphragmatic breathing'.. it may for some be really helpful, for others perhaps a toffee hammer to crack a breeze block, but it is a tool...

i'd love to hear your experiences if you do try it...

next time, perhaps a dull waffle on systemic muscle relaxation, autogenic relaxation, or guided visualisation - i might rip into the last one though as for me it's about as relaxing as juggling chainsaws on a log flume next to someone with an odour problem...

sweet dreams

2009-05-29T18:18:00.000-07:00

although doing well on the fear, my parents visiting tomorrow, and they've really fed my anxiety like nothing else over the years....

my father is ex-army, used to used to be the shouty guy in drill competitions and came second at one stage in a national competition. they gave him a special consolation prize for something akin to 'loudest voice in england'. when he yelled at me growing up, i sure as heck knew about it..
my mother certainly has her *ahem* quirks too, bless her...as we were both scared of my father's rages, there was a certain mutual confidant element going on. sometimes i'm sure it helped each other, other times, perhaps the opposite...
i remember one time she said to me after a particularly animated flip-out from my father, ten minute tirade, me trying to defend, she turned to me and told me "i'd have left him years ago if it wasn't for looking after you"
...
being worth nothing, i just wished i had never existed.

these days, it's all a bit more chilled. we're still distant, but closer than for years, but it's still weird and does feel forced, although it's easing over time...

it will be good to see them,but do have worries any progress i made in the last few months could be crushed in an instant by seeing a flash of rage from my father and an habitual response from me....
but equally, i am beginning to see that maybe i can show i'm coping, i'm doing the right thing, and while accidents happen that could set me back and while i still need to work on existing weakness, actually end the visit with both they and i feeling happy and better for the experience...

trying to look at things objectively, and give myself the advice i'd give a good friend is a wonderful thing to learn. beginning to learn to apply it seems even better.. oh yeah, that and all the wonderful interactions i've had through twitter :)

good job it's only us loony types worry about these social things, eh? *very large wink*

gosh, didn't know all of the above came out, lol - was planning to post an apposite quote about dreams, and why i'm putting off heading towards that little slice of death that is sleep...

from the shadow - http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0111143/quotes

Margo Lane: Oh, God I dreamed.
Lamont Cranston: So did I. What did you dream?
Margo Lane: I was lying naked on a beach in the South Seas. The tide was coming up to my toes. The sun was beating down. My skin hot and cool at the same time. It was wonderful. What was yours?
Lamont Cranston: I dreamed I tore all the skin off my face and was somebody else underneath.
Margo Lane: You have problems.
Lamont Cranston: I'm aware of that.

#iamlamontcranston ;)

lost: fear (last spotted about a week ago)

2009-05-26T07:57:00.000-07:00

well, this is quite odd. since i broke my arm, i've been out and about like i haven't been in years...

instead of hours of anxiety building myself up before taking a deep breath, getting into a flap checking stuff on the way out and then having to fight the urge to go back the whole time i'm out - or at least until worrying about being in public takes over as the predominant fear- i'm just grabbing my keys and going out and getting things done(?!).

i'd been struggling to build up the walking programme for my pain management course because of anxiety til this happened. objectively i should be *more* nervous since i guess i'm vulnerable if i slip on my right side - with my arm strapped tightly to my side, i'd just hit the ground, but it's really been the reverse. i'm now walking a fair distance a couple of times a day...

i went out and met my support worker on friday for a coffee - she just sat opposite me, her jaw visibly slack as i told her i'd just been in a few shops and chatting to folks before meeting her - she looked at me and just said "oh my god. i can't believe you're so chilled"
but i was, and i am. for some reason, right now, the fear, the overwhelming dread, the stomach churning response of OCD has just receded into the background, and i feel calmer than i have in years..

the old pain i was at the pain management course for is still there too - with a bit more added ouchiness due to being banged about in the crash, but overall, by comparison, i feel great. will just keep up the exercise, eating well and other stuff i'm doing that helps, keep aiming for realistic extending goals, most of all try and enjoy things while i can :)

ps i WILL take more time to capitalise, proofread etc. once typing less of a PITA...

when something happens

2009-05-19T17:00:00.000-07:00

when something happens, is it wrong to think "oo, this might make my blog more interesting"? :)

when something happens, social networking really does seem to make two-way communication immediate like never before...as anyone reading this probably knows, i had a small motorcycle off about 8 hours ago (maybe 9 by the time this is published, as i can only type with one hand - and i seem to have reverted to mostly one finger at that..) and have been stunned at the number of lovely messages i've had, not only from people i know 'in real life', and not just from folks i've chatted to before, but also from people who've never tweeted me\have met through facebook via mutual friends\bike clubs - thank you, all of you!
in the past, it could have been weeks before my closest relatives found out..

when something happens, it can happen really quick. and once it's happened, it generally doesn't seem to unhappen very often...

there's generally no undoing it, but it's always possible to choose how to react to it.

i know full well i'm gonna be a bit grumpy with a broken bone, and apologies in advance, but it really could be far worse.. my first question to orthopaedic surgeon was "so, how long before i can ride again?", and 6 weeks or 3 months doesn't sound good, but i reckon i can do it in less - while i don't always heal brilliantly, i mostly heal quickly, and my pain threshold is pretty good - i knew i'd broken something soon as i picked the bike back up, as i've had similar physical sensations with the odd break before, but just wanted to get the seven or so miles home and lock the bike up safe before getting myself checked out - it's a question of priorities after all, eh?

the accident and emergency staff were lovely, really friendly and chatty, although i did feel sorry for the orthopaedic doc, who seemed thoroughly miserable, was x-rayed within the hour and walking back home in about three. back in a week to see if i need surgery..for those obsessive about detail it's an avulsion fracture of the greater tuberosity of the humerus - it's looking possible i might get away with surgery the way the chipped off bit is sitting, but tbh i'd rather they just pinned it if it means riding sooner - happy now..?

good opportunity to try out a few pain management techniques on acute recent pain, plus since i won't be able to do much but sit in front of a computer for a while, i can blog/twitter/facebook more, and even take the time to sort out my layouts, fonts, plugins and all manner of geekery, and post more random crap that makes me happy - in the hope it makes you happy too.

thanks for reading!

"the man who never made a mistake never made anything.."

2009-05-13T11:11:00.000-07:00

or at least that's what my parents often said to me.

i don't really like mistakes.
i'm hugely guilty of pride, but in few areas, and one of those is my *ahem* obsessive attention to detail (it's come in handy in a number of jobs i've worked in)... sometimes that has manifested itself in checking things perhaps more than absolutely necessary, sometimes when my anxiety gets into a stuck loop i can ended up trapped awhile in check a succession of things and trying to remain mindful of doing so, only for my thoughts to flit randomly at one stage, then doubt whether i've checked one item, and have to check it all again from the beginning - i know it's irrational, but that's ocd...

i'm currently challenging myself to go out more, and had arranged to meet a friend at the college open day today, in part to look at signing up for a course, in most trying to subject myself to being in public with a few more people than i've managed in years... i knew it was going to be an anxious thing, as i'd been fretting about it for days, and was having to use every tool i could muster to just try and get my panicked breathing vaguely regular getting there, so was on edge already, i ended up rifling through my pockets, rucksack etc. while in the college hall, sweat pouring off me from the nerves, the sunny day and the hot bike leathers, a couple of times, really just wanting to escape, but everything seemed in order.
after a while, my friend noticed how much i was struggling, and we got out of there and walked to the local restaurant for a coffee and a chat.
i then returned to the bike and realised i had no key... i'd lost it somewhere... this is why i want to hurt myself, to punish myself for being stupid, to deprive myself of something as a result, the words "this is why you're not allowed to have nice things" echoing round my head...

growing up, i had a parent very worried about security, who would overreact massively and scare me hugely when i'd lost a key or similar, from an early age i'd try and hide it if i had and just punish myself.. it was only later i found out as a bank manager he'd been held up at gunpoint for his keys twice... now i can understand it was his own fears, for very valid reasons (experience) that caused him to panic and behave the way he did, but it's a major factor in who i am today.

likewise for my mother, it's difficult to blame her for being over-protective when her best friends' children were murdered, but a whole world of hell for an inquisitive precocious kid growing up.
i learned it was generally best not to worry them, but i would punish myself and hold that worry for them...
to quote Phillip Larkin

This Be The Verse

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
 They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
 And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
 By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
 And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
 It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
 And don't have any kids yourself.

these days, i still have that self-punishing instinct and behaviour, only it's also been reinforced by five years terrified of an abusive partner before i escaped...

but i'm sure that's happened to you.

anyway, i've promised myself a nice happy blog entry next time, about flowers or sunshine or something.
we'll see, eh?

how do you eat an elephant?

2009-05-06T15:09:00.000-07:00

one bite at a time...

ok, just for a change, i've no idea where i'm going with this one...

to the people who've seen me IRL, apparently i'm making massive progress. objectively, i'm making massive progress. for a big part of me, it'll never be enough.

a big part of me - and i hesitate to say this - a big part of me that might be getting smaller.

and - i hesitate again, i can appreciate that part of it might be down to my own..er, input (i was going to type 'hard work' then, but the big part - the big, negative part that always shouts down the smaller, frightened part that i want to be more of me - wouldn't let me...)

i've spent so many years in a prison of my own making, it's hard to know which bars are real and which are not... and the bars i create for myself hurt just as hard as the real ones when i hit them.

yesterday was my third day on my chronic pain management course - the title of the blog comes from there...
when the pain seems unbearable, when there's too much on your mind, when the obstacles seem overwhelming, when someone presents you with a whole roasted elephant to get through, how you can you possibly achieve that task?
in the case of eating the elephant, take the first bite

- you're not going to get anywhere until you do...

i wish in this single blog entry, much like some kind of virtual Tristram Shandy, i could convey what my life has been, the years of thinking i was a monster - at one time getting myself put into a locked psych ward for fear of hurting others - and ultimately distancing myself from others, only to be virtually paralysed further thinking i would commit acts of violence upon myself - and often thinking, often wrongly, that perhaps ending it all would really be best all round... i still worry i'm deluding myself that it isn't the best solution and those thoughts will always attack me, but such is the nature of the doubting disease they call OCD.

and you probably thought it was all about washing my hands....

still, although the World Health Organisation describes OCD as one of the ten most painful illnesses, at least i don't have PTSD or chronic physical pain. oh wait...

Those who don't feel...

2009-05-04T15:32:00.001-07:00

Those who don't feel this love
pulling them like a river,
those who don't drink dawn
like a cup of spring water
or take in sunset like supper,
those who don't want to change,

let them sleep.

This love is beyond the study of theology,
that old trickery and hypocrisy.
If you want to improve your mind that way,

sleep on.

I've given up on my brain,
I've torn the cloth to shreds
and thrown it away.

If you're not completely naked,
wrap your beautiful robe of words
around you,

and sleep.

Mevlana Jalaluddin Rumi
as collected by James Fadiman & Robert Frager

(for an atheist, i sure as heck quote a lot of quasi-religious stuff at times..)

something more original and personal next time. probably, anyway...

current tune in my head - 4'33'' - John Cage... :)

i've got enough on my plate - chippy chiiips!!!!

2009-05-01T23:57:00.000-07:00

(apologies to Harry Hill for the headline)
since my OH @barbedwyer is being brave enough to talk about her food issues, i guess it's only fair i talk about mine... although my sister was anorexic, i've never really thought i have eating issues...

my diet really is limited, however - more out of laziness and general self-neglect rather than anything, but with the added crap that OCD brings, it's fairly safe to say on my diet, i really shouldn't be alive...

as with lots of other things, i'm trying to improve this area of my life - i'm ordering boxes from graze.com to get some of my five a day, and trying to cook more stuff myself, although i have to admit, i do get a lot of foods hoping to experiment and broaden my tastes, but invariably leave them til the point i panic about approaching sell-by dates and talk myself out of trying. it's not good how much food i throw away. not good for me. not good for anyone else. and not good for firing up that internal critical voice that tells me i suck at life...

at one stage, i spoke to the production folks behind a primetime TV chef re: making an appearance, since i really am so utterly crap at cooking. i wimped out.
(regular readers will come to see i've done that a lot over the years)

anyway, back to the title...

during tonight's regularly scheduled insomnia, i found myself watching 'Freaky Eaters' on BBC iplayer.. i've watched it quite a bit before, and do find it fascinating... the one i watched earlier struck a number of chords for me...

to be honest, why i've appreciated the programme in the past is showing that underlying fears and anxieties have led to what most consider 'bizarre' behaviours - not damaging to others, but ultimately damaging to the individuals. in this episode, the brave* participant had been badly attacked by a couple of youths...
in my case it was three.

my jaw was broken in two places, and to this day i can trace a wide groove down my forehead with a finger. i spent a few weeks having to eat through a straw, and many years of instantly going into fight or flight if a group of lads approached me.

i'm just guessing that might contribute to the agoraphobia too.. ;)

anyhoo, part two of the title (or grammatically speaking, part one: the plate bit) - i wanted to give up smoking for years, but on regular GP visits/chats to the psych the general advice was not to try to take too much on - i'd enough on my plate already. i know i have a perfectionist streak a mile wide, i know i often take on way more than i really ought to, and fail epically as a result, but i really do want to give up my sleeping tablets next

as this evening/morning shows, i struggle without them, but i'm fairly sure no-one ever died from lack of sleep..

current tune playing in head at unfeasibly loud volume: "rags to rags" by the eels

Yes, I really am on pills for my nerves...

2009-05-01T11:24:00.000-07:00

Guess it's traditional at some stage to have an 'about me' kind of post, so here goes...

Bobby Chariot comes from a character Alexei Sayle portrayed - a not too successful warm up man with a scouse accent and 'interesting' teeth and hair.. can't think why i identify with that *whistles*...

i was born in a suburb of Liverpool and grew up near there, before leaving for the big bad world of manchester aged 18 and staying awhile... i was a bright kid (my IQ was 'off the scale' aged 5 and it was recommended to my parents that i was sent away to a school for the gifted, but although i was precociously bright, i was really quite clumsy and absent-minded - skillsets i carry with me to this day ;) - so i went through the normal schooling system, but was advanced a couple of years), but always a bit of an outsider... nevertheless, a lot of people had faith in me, and if the US high school 'Most likely to' awards had been in place, i was pretty much 'most likely to be driving a porsche at 21 with a successful career'...

unfortunately, things panned out a little bit differently.

i'm going to have to take a bit of time to think how to express the rest.
i want to be honest as i can, but some of it is *very* painful, some of it still raw...

so here i am, some years later, disabled, mostly housebound, but having made the most progress i have since major trauma five years ago in the last few months - i've re-started physio, i'm on a chronic pain management course, i've re-started speaking to many friends and family i deliberately kept myself away from for years, albeit only online for now...i now have carers i let in a couple of times a week, and i'm beginning to challenge my fears of being out/around others, restarted motorcycling which has been wonderful, and has also allowed me to meet many genuine, wonderful people - nearly as many as i've met or got back in touch with via social networking sites such as facebook and twitter...

there's still a whole catalogue of things i can't do yet, which no doubt any readers of this tosh will be subjected to if i keep it up, but i am trying to get back into society after many years of studious avoidance.

time will tell, i guess...

why are all the good ones taken?

2009-04-27T02:56:00.000-07:00

well, here i am, under a different name...

a blogger in search of a subject..