One of the worst things about having an anxiety disorder is 'habituation'.
- The brain and the body become used to triggering the fight or flight system with the slightest cue, often overreacting massively, flooding the body with adrenaline at the slightest trigger...
Instead of 'fight or flight' being a useful response, it becomes disabling - both when the adrenaline is (over)doing it's thing, and afterwards, feeling sick, queasy, drained and exhausted with the nasty adrenaline chemical breakdown products floating round the system.
Without wanting to be too graphic, one of the primal responses to fight or flight, apart from the eyes widening, hyper-vigilance, shakiness and so on, is for the body to want to make itself as light as possible should running away be required. so, nausea at one end, and i'll hesitate to describe the other..suffice it to say that the pain meds i'd been on for a few years should have the side effect of a large cork inserted, er, somewhere, my digestion has often been the other way, so much so i've had to sometimes take extra medications purely to slow down the digestive tract...
Aaanyway, apologies for the above slightly graphic paragraph, guess i just wanted to highlight that anxiety doesn't just exist in the head, it can also cause real physical problems too.
Back to the title - once habituated to an anxiety response, the damned thing fires up at the slightest stimulus, anything out of the ordinary, and WHAM! cue adrenaline, cue nausea and everything else...
In many ways, my trip away should be good news, but the reaction is just the same. feeling 'unwell' while at home is one thing, add the embarrassment of being so elsewhere, and frankly, it's not good...
In a couple of days, i'm due to go visit my parents. it's not far away, maybe less than 150 miles, but after the broken bone 8 weeks ago today, i think i'm pushing it to use my own transport, so am stuck with public transport or feeling guilty about my elderly father driving here and back in a day to come get me - which isn't good for him, and as he gets older being a passenger in the car gets more worrying as his road behaviour, observation, reactions etc. aren't what they used to be... couple that with being away from the flat and being unable to check things are ok, my OCD is also going to flare up big time, with nowhere to really escape to...
Meantime, just been getting quite annoyed with myself over the whole thing. i know, given my various conditions, ailments and failings, that there are good reasons why i'm feeling how i am about it, there's a very dominant voice in my head telling me
"FFS, you're just going away for a few nights to be fed well* and looked after, you're even picking up a hefty cheque while you're there (my folks have come into a fairly healthy chunk of money and want to give me some of it**),
what the [bleep] is your problem?!"
To cap things off, i made the mistake of telling my support worker how stressed i was, and how i was feeling about it.. as she was visiting yesterday, she phoned beforehand and asked if there was anything she could bring, like milk or other essentials, my semi-jokey reply was "no thanks, unless you've got a shotgun and a couple of cartridges i can apply orally..."
Oops.
So, i'm now on some kind of suicide watch/at-risk register thing, and will have them calling me to check i'm still alive on the days i'm away - another thing which is just going to cause more awkwardness and embarrassment... :(
Still, i can't get out of it, so just trying to get enough medication sorted for the trip away, sort out my insurance and legal correspondence and a few other bits and bobs, and reschedule/cancel various meetings/treatments and so on while i'm not here. speaking of which, guess i'd better get going - things to do, people to see...
Anyway, whine over for now. one day soon, i'll make a more positive entry - honest!
(*holds crossed fingers behind back while saying this*)
Catcha later, blog!
Meanwhile another probably meaningless parable...
ConvictionTalal Nazaf was received with great honour at the Court of Cordoba.His reputation had been known there for many years: courtiers and Emirs vied with one another to speak well of him.A certain scholar, however, asked him this question: "I have read your books and wonder why so much in them is directed towards the stupid, and so little towards the wise."Talal said: "Most of it is directed towards such as you."That evening he was taking a meal at the house of the Grand Qadi (judge), who remarked, with delicacy: "A certain robustness of speech here in Cordoba might cause those who are well-disposed, and yet sensitive, to change their attitude towards a newcomer."The Sufi said: "Those who have observed that such sensitivity, acted upon by forthrightness, produces hostility, have learned that such a change is merely a change of opinion."I am here to demonstrate that a change of opinion is in itself not a change of understanding. Opinion is built upon sand.Knowledge is built upon rock. If a man is only convinced that I am good, he may be as stupid as one who is only convinced that I am bad."Conviction, far from being based upon reason, is the enemy of reason; because rationality does not change, while convictions do, all the time."as collected by Idries Shah*unfortunately the 'fed well' bit is a problem too - the nausea makes it difficult for me to eat most of the day, and also will probably be trying to minimise what i do eat to avoid the other, ahem 'side effects' - which is something that also worries my folks - they're really quite vigilant about that sort of thing with my sister having been anorexic for many years...
** the money itself is causing me lots of worries too - although it could really help (and i'd be lying if i said i hadn't been looking at the Ducati Performance catalogue for upgrades and a few other costly things!), think i'd quite happily refuse it if i could, except that would cause even more problems and worry with my folks...