"I am enthusiastic over humanity’s extraordinary and sometimes very timely ingenuity. If you are in a shipwreck and all the boats are gone, a piano top buoyant enough to keep you afloat that comes along makes a fortuitous life preserver. But this is not to say that the best way to design a life preserver is in the form of a piano top. I think that we are clinging to a great many piano tops in accepting yesterday’s fortuitous contrivings as constituting the only means for solving a given problem."
— Richard Buckminster Fuller
Friday, 1 October 2010
Monday, 4 January 2010
(very) potential CV
as previous whiny entries show, i'm certifiable in a number of areas, including being #severelydisabled - as a govt hashtag might perhaps say...
i've been assessed as having high care needs, and am lucky enough to have help from carers a couple hours a week for the last year, which has made an enormous difference in my recovery from 5 years of being in a physically abusive relationship, wondering which would hurt me more, her letting her cut me, or preventing her and hearing (and feeling) her cut herself, and seeing the after-effects...still, i'm sure that's happened to you...
soo, to cut a long story short, i neeeeeed to work again. i'm lucky enough to have won some fights for bones, but it's time i stood up and showed what i was capable of... ;) but if i was the boss, i'm not sure if *i'd* employ me.. (well, i prob would, i'm just harsh on myself)
the hashtag is #getbobbychariotajob
/not better, but different, and lucky to have learned that without too much pain....and wishing good for others
google-searchable CV linked to twitter page attached....
David Brian Johnston
23
09/02 – 09/07 Customer Service Representative/Support Engineer, Unisys Global Infrastructure Services/Network Rail
Responsible for IT Infrastructure for Network Rail throughout Scotland, including signal boxes, signalling centres and mission-critical rail control through to large business offices – in excess of 60 client sites and several thousand users – most technically capable engineer in team.
Co-designed, planned and implemented current main server room for Scotland – Cisco, Windows 2003/Red Hat, 32x HP Altiris blade/ HP EVA San – have worked with a diverse range of other operating systems and hardware, including Novell Netware, Network Appliance and several Linux distros, as well as Sun Netra/Solaris.
Daily operations and monitoring, 2nd and 3rd line support and small projects (e.g. new server room as above, upgrade from HSG80 SAN/big box servers) within ITIL framework.
Implementation of Network Rail's rail fault management system with LogicaCMG, based on clustered SQL Server with a Linux link to mid-range systems – installation, configuration and support of UK pilot site and acted as technical contact for rollout to rest of UK.
Significant involvement in scripting, testing, documentation and improvement of Network Rail standardised server and desktop builds, working closely with Technical Design Authority.
Migration from NT 4 – Windows 2003, Exchange 5.5 – 2003, Oracle E-business suite to rationalise company data stores.
05/01 – 08/02: Systems Manager/Support Engineer, Essential Viewing http://www.essential-viewing.com/
(a spin-off company of the University of Strathclyde, developing video codecs for commercial use)
Responsible for all aspects of IT infrastructure, from basic cabling and hardware repair through to development of policy documents. Overall responsibilities for all aspects of IT support both internally and to clients. Design, implementation and administration of company network - from joining the company in May 2001, solely responsible for migrating the company's IT infrastructure from a half-dozen workstations attached to a university network to a separate Windows 2000-based server infrastructure in new premises, with Exchange 2000, IIS 5.0, ISA Server and Cisco PIX firewall, and ProjectCentral running on SQL Server 2000, supporting 25 internal users via wired and wireless connections to a range of devices and operating systems, and with a number of VPN connections both to the US office and to the mobile sales team. Specification, recommendation and purchase of all company IT equipment and software. Development, implementation and enforcement of IT security and disaster recovery policies, including network infrastructure security, backup procedures, production of IT security policies and security auditing. Development of IT acceptable use policies in adherence with company legal requirements. Management of software testing procedure for company’s commercial software releases. Co-ordination of all beta testing of company produced software and liaison with customers relating to product support issues.
10/00 - 04/01: Research Fellow/Information Officer, National Centre for Training and Education in Prosthetics and Orthotics, University of Strathclyde
Administration, maintenance, development reporting and analysis of national clinical dataset collected from hospitals throughout Scotland. Initial work included migration of data from stand-alone Paradox databases to central mySQL database, along with administration of Linux/Apache server, providing secure access to datasets from known university and NHS domains. Production of web pages (HTML with JavaScript/active database). Provision of all aspects of IT support to National Centre, including hardware and software support (including NT administration, a few Unix and Solaris boxes and TCP/IP configuration), fault diagnosis and repair, and liaison with external agencies. Development of expanded dataset, collecting information from a number of health care disciplines involved in amputee care. I was tasked with implementation of both electronic and paper-based storage and reporting mechanisms. Duties also included establishing data collection requirements of clinical staff, and modelling of allied data structures along with design, production and administration of data collection systems.
12/98 - 10/00: Planning and Information Officer, Edge Hill College of HE
Duties: To provide management information on all aspects of the college’s activities, in order to inform policy and decision-making. Extensive use of databases, including writing of complex SQL queries and also development of Microsoft Access front-ends to third party Oracle database, project management tools, and Internet/intranet content management. Thanks to my technical background, able to improve significant automation of data validation and reporting systems. Overall responsibility for Teacher Training Agency returns, and significant involvement with UK Government Higher Education Statistics Agency returns, European Social Fund bids and claims, and monitoring and reporting of application/ recruitment target data. Assigned on a part-time basis to develop a costing and pricing methodology for the institution (using Microsoft Project), as part of which the project team implemented Business Objects across multiple third party and in-house Oracle databases. I also carried out initial work on web-enablement of HEMIS, the main student information system, to allow dynamic querying and updating of records via the college Intranet. Regular reporting included postcode analysis, and ACORN and MOSAIC profiling for internal reporting systems,, along with financial, marketing and target setting activity.
12/97 - 12/98: Quality Officer, Information Management and Analysis, Liverpool John Moores University
Working within a small team, duties included the preparation and presentation of information, both for Quality Assurance Agency reviews and internal self-assessment processes. Interface development using Visual Basic for Applications and Microsoft Excel, in order to present a simplified interface to end-users. I had overall responsibility for development and successful deployment of student cohort progression reporting, using SQL and GQL on Unix/Ingres database, and development and use of presentational macros within Excel. I authored/edited all related training materials, both paper and web-based, delivery of training sessions and end-user support. I was also responsible for maintenance and publication of departmental web pages, using HTML and JavaScript. Acting as both hardware and software support within the 12-person Quality Unit, from specification and purchase of equipment and application software, through to staff training and support, hardware fault diagnosis and basic repair.
01/97 - 12/97: Senior Web Developer/IT Manager, Imagination Online Ltd.
A small commercial Web publishing company, employed as head of the IT department of six full-time staff. Responsibilities ranged from office administration, including interviewing and appraisal of staff, installation and maintenance of network hardware and software, IT strategy, project planning and management, design and maintenance of web sites using HTML, PERL, and graphic design software with some use of Java and JavaScript. Clients included NSPCC, Great Ormond Street Hospital, Admirals Cup 1997 and numerous SMEs and other charities.
10/96 - 01/97: Work placement
On work placement at Connect - http://www.connect.org.uk, an ESF funded subsidiary of the Liverpool University Department of Computer Science, specialising in the business applications of the Internet. My main project was the design and implementation of a secure, restricted access email to fax system using the C programming language under the HP-UX 10 operating system (ANSI C under UNIX). My other responsibilities included providing technical support and assistance to local small to medium enterprises (SMEs), the production of web pages for SMEs and also for Connect themselves (HTML, CGI programming in C).
Education / Professional Development
Jan 2005 :ITIL Service Management Foundation
April 2002: Microsoft Certified Professional (MCP)
70-270 Installing, Configuring, and Administering Microsoft Windows XP Professional
70-215 Installing, Configuring, and Administering Microsoft Windows 2000 Server
70-218 Managing a Microsoft Windows 2000 Network Environment
Achieved Microsoft Certified Systems Administrator (MCSA), Microsoft Certified Messaging Specialist
January 2002: Microsoft Certified Professional
70-224 Installing, Configuring, and Administering Microsoft Exchange 2000 Server
70-225 Designing and Deploying a Messaging Infrastructure with Microsoft Exchange 2000 Server
2001: Content Management on the Web - Netskills
Cascading Style Sheets, XML, DHTML, Metadata
1999: Databases on the Web - Netskills
ASP, ColdFusion, PERL, ODBC configuration
1996: Postgraduate Certificate in Software Technology - Liverpool University
HP-UX/ Unix System V (inc. Korn Shell Scripting)
ANSI C
HTML 3.2, CGI scripts in ANSI C
X-Windows (X native, Xlib, MOTIF)
C++
Oracle SQL*plus, Developer 2000
1994-96: Diploma of Higher Education (Pass with merit) in Informatics - University of Sheffield
Systems Analysis, Entity Modelling
Case Tool Utilization (SSADM) - EasyCASE, Select SSADM
Project Management Techniques (PERT, GANTT, Network diagrams, MS Project)
Applications Programming, Modula-2 (Pascal), Visual Basic, VBA (Access 2.0, Excel), C++
Networking
Predicate and Prepositional Logic, Problem Investigation and Report Writing
Human Computer Interaction, Software Testing
Business Studies, Management of Change
systems produced - Access (Nursery records system) Visual Basic (CBT – textile pattern cutting)
i've been assessed as having high care needs, and am lucky enough to have help from carers a couple hours a week for the last year, which has made an enormous difference in my recovery from 5 years of being in a physically abusive relationship, wondering which would hurt me more, her letting her cut me, or preventing her and hearing (and feeling) her cut herself, and seeing the after-effects...still, i'm sure that's happened to you...
soo, to cut a long story short, i neeeeeed to work again. i'm lucky enough to have won some fights for bones, but it's time i stood up and showed what i was capable of... ;) but if i was the boss, i'm not sure if *i'd* employ me.. (well, i prob would, i'm just harsh on myself)
the hashtag is #getbobbychariotajob
/not better, but different, and lucky to have learned that without too much pain....and wishing good for others
google-searchable CV linked to twitter page attached....
David Brian Johnston
23
09/02 – 09/07 Customer Service Representative/Support Engineer, Unisys Global Infrastructure Services/Network Rail
Responsible for IT Infrastructure for Network Rail throughout Scotland, including signal boxes, signalling centres and mission-critical rail control through to large business offices – in excess of 60 client sites and several thousand users – most technically capable engineer in team.
Co-designed, planned and implemented current main server room for Scotland – Cisco, Windows 2003/Red Hat, 32x HP Altiris blade/ HP EVA San – have worked with a diverse range of other operating systems and hardware, including Novell Netware, Network Appliance and several Linux distros, as well as Sun Netra/Solaris.
Daily operations and monitoring, 2nd and 3rd line support and small projects (e.g. new server room as above, upgrade from HSG80 SAN/big box servers) within ITIL framework.
Implementation of Network Rail's rail fault management system with LogicaCMG, based on clustered SQL Server with a Linux link to mid-range systems – installation, configuration and support of UK pilot site and acted as technical contact for rollout to rest of UK.
Significant involvement in scripting, testing, documentation and improvement of Network Rail standardised server and desktop builds, working closely with Technical Design Authority.
Migration from NT 4 – Windows 2003, Exchange 5.5 – 2003, Oracle E-business suite to rationalise company data stores.
05/01 – 08/02: Systems Manager/Support Engineer, Essential Viewing http://www.essential-viewing.com/
(a spin-off company of the University of Strathclyde, developing video codecs for commercial use)
Responsible for all aspects of IT infrastructure, from basic cabling and hardware repair through to development of policy documents. Overall responsibilities for all aspects of IT support both internally and to clients. Design, implementation and administration of company network - from joining the company in May 2001, solely responsible for migrating the company's IT infrastructure from a half-dozen workstations attached to a university network to a separate Windows 2000-based server infrastructure in new premises, with Exchange 2000, IIS 5.0, ISA Server and Cisco PIX firewall, and ProjectCentral running on SQL Server 2000, supporting 25 internal users via wired and wireless connections to a range of devices and operating systems, and with a number of VPN connections both to the US office and to the mobile sales team. Specification, recommendation and purchase of all company IT equipment and software. Development, implementation and enforcement of IT security and disaster recovery policies, including network infrastructure security, backup procedures, production of IT security policies and security auditing. Development of IT acceptable use policies in adherence with company legal requirements. Management of software testing procedure for company’s commercial software releases. Co-ordination of all beta testing of company produced software and liaison with customers relating to product support issues.
10/00 - 04/01: Research Fellow/Information Officer, National Centre for Training and Education in Prosthetics and Orthotics, University of Strathclyde
Administration, maintenance, development reporting and analysis of national clinical dataset collected from hospitals throughout Scotland. Initial work included migration of data from stand-alone Paradox databases to central mySQL database, along with administration of Linux/Apache server, providing secure access to datasets from known university and NHS domains. Production of web pages (HTML with JavaScript/active database). Provision of all aspects of IT support to National Centre, including hardware and software support (including NT administration, a few Unix and Solaris boxes and TCP/IP configuration), fault diagnosis and repair, and liaison with external agencies. Development of expanded dataset, collecting information from a number of health care disciplines involved in amputee care. I was tasked with implementation of both electronic and paper-based storage and reporting mechanisms. Duties also included establishing data collection requirements of clinical staff, and modelling of allied data structures along with design, production and administration of data collection systems.
12/98 - 10/00: Planning and Information Officer, Edge Hill College of HE
Duties: To provide management information on all aspects of the college’s activities, in order to inform policy and decision-making. Extensive use of databases, including writing of complex SQL queries and also development of Microsoft Access front-ends to third party Oracle database, project management tools, and Internet/intranet content management. Thanks to my technical background, able to improve significant automation of data validation and reporting systems. Overall responsibility for Teacher Training Agency returns, and significant involvement with UK Government Higher Education Statistics Agency returns, European Social Fund bids and claims, and monitoring and reporting of application/ recruitment target data. Assigned on a part-time basis to develop a costing and pricing methodology for the institution (using Microsoft Project), as part of which the project team implemented Business Objects across multiple third party and in-house Oracle databases. I also carried out initial work on web-enablement of HEMIS, the main student information system, to allow dynamic querying and updating of records via the college Intranet. Regular reporting included postcode analysis, and ACORN and MOSAIC profiling for internal reporting systems,, along with financial, marketing and target setting activity.
12/97 - 12/98: Quality Officer, Information Management and Analysis, Liverpool John Moores University
Working within a small team, duties included the preparation and presentation of information, both for Quality Assurance Agency reviews and internal self-assessment processes. Interface development using Visual Basic for Applications and Microsoft Excel, in order to present a simplified interface to end-users. I had overall responsibility for development and successful deployment of student cohort progression reporting, using SQL and GQL on Unix/Ingres database, and development and use of presentational macros within Excel. I authored/edited all related training materials, both paper and web-based, delivery of training sessions and end-user support. I was also responsible for maintenance and publication of departmental web pages, using HTML and JavaScript. Acting as both hardware and software support within the 12-person Quality Unit, from specification and purchase of equipment and application software, through to staff training and support, hardware fault diagnosis and basic repair.
01/97 - 12/97: Senior Web Developer/IT Manager, Imagination Online Ltd.
A small commercial Web publishing company, employed as head of the IT department of six full-time staff. Responsibilities ranged from office administration, including interviewing and appraisal of staff, installation and maintenance of network hardware and software, IT strategy, project planning and management, design and maintenance of web sites using HTML, PERL, and graphic design software with some use of Java and JavaScript. Clients included NSPCC, Great Ormond Street Hospital, Admirals Cup 1997 and numerous SMEs and other charities.
10/96 - 01/97: Work placement
On work placement at Connect - http://www.connect.org.uk, an ESF funded subsidiary of the Liverpool University Department of Computer Science, specialising in the business applications of the Internet. My main project was the design and implementation of a secure, restricted access email to fax system using the C programming language under the HP-UX 10 operating system (ANSI C under UNIX). My other responsibilities included providing technical support and assistance to local small to medium enterprises (SMEs), the production of web pages for SMEs and also for Connect themselves (HTML, CGI programming in C).
Education / Professional Development
Jan 2005 :ITIL Service Management Foundation
April 2002: Microsoft Certified Professional (MCP)
70-270 Installing, Configuring, and Administering Microsoft Windows XP Professional
70-215 Installing, Configuring, and Administering Microsoft Windows 2000 Server
70-218 Managing a Microsoft Windows 2000 Network Environment
Achieved Microsoft Certified Systems Administrator (MCSA), Microsoft Certified Messaging Specialist
January 2002: Microsoft Certified Professional
70-224 Installing, Configuring, and Administering Microsoft Exchange 2000 Server
70-225 Designing and Deploying a Messaging Infrastructure with Microsoft Exchange 2000 Server
2001: Content Management on the Web - Netskills
Cascading Style Sheets, XML, DHTML, Metadata
1999: Databases on the Web - Netskills
ASP, ColdFusion, PERL, ODBC configuration
1996: Postgraduate Certificate in Software Technology - Liverpool University
HP-UX/ Unix System V (inc. Korn Shell Scripting)
ANSI C
HTML 3.2, CGI scripts in ANSI C
X-Windows (X native, Xlib, MOTIF)
C++
Oracle SQL*plus, Developer 2000
1994-96: Diploma of Higher Education (Pass with merit) in Informatics - University of Sheffield
Systems Analysis, Entity Modelling
Case Tool Utilization (SSADM) - EasyCASE, Select SSADM
Project Management Techniques (PERT, GANTT, Network diagrams, MS Project)
Applications Programming, Modula-2 (Pascal), Visual Basic, VBA (Access 2.0, Excel), C++
Networking
Predicate and Prepositional Logic, Problem Investigation and Report Writing
Human Computer Interaction, Software Testing
Business Studies, Management of Change
systems produced - Access (Nursery records system) Visual Basic (CBT – textile pattern cutting)
Monday, 21 December 2009
Snow day
Snow day
Today, I was out driving in snow - had arranged to meet someone a few miles away, so needed to drive...in Glasgow, you'd think most folks would be prepared and take sensible measures...but, no....
That's not to say on the whole we folks further up north have more nouse than you southern softies, to allow our feeling of superiority (*winks heavily*), but just looking at vehicles of various types, and the, um, 'unusual' behaviour of road users, there seemed to be one whole load o' stupidity goin' on...
Scandinavians, who drive in snow more regularly than us UK lot, don't seem to have half the near misses I witnessed today even in a short trip - or, indeed, anywhere near as many actual, real, time-consuming, inconvenient, costly accidents when the weather changes... (Glasgow driving in the wet can be fairly shocking at times too, but that's a whole other story)...and for our Scandinavian cousins, it's simply by applying a bit of common sense, both in preparing their vehicles, and in their behaviour when other road users are present...
it takes a couple of minutes to clear snow off your windows and mirrors before moving off - least you can then actually see what's going on...similarly, takes a few secs to clear the glass on your lights, indicators and other road users can see you and your intentions a lot better...
anyway, rant over - just pees me off when people drive like pillocks and act in an inconsiderate way....
Happy holidays! be safe out there folks! - or i might just let you hit me AND nowadays i always have the motion sensing video recording of the incident to prove it!!!!
;)
Friday, 7 August 2009
message/response
Message: (from accident lawyer, received today)
"Please note I have now received a response from the third party insurers. Their client alleges that you were undertaking a vehicle on approach to the junction. Upon reviewing this case it is clear that it is your word against the third party’s and unfortunately there are no independent witnesses to support either version of events.
As you are aware the third party insurers have offered to settle this matter on a split 50/50 basis due to the conflicting version of events and lack of independent witness evidence. If you reject this offer the only option would be to raise court proceedings against the third party however I must make you aware that this does not guarantee a successful outcome. The evidential burden rests on you, as the pursuer to prove, on the balance of probabilities, that the other party was at fault. If you both give equally credible and reliable accounts of what happened, then the Sheriff will have nothing to justify a finding in your favour.
It is therefore important that you understand that that there are three possible outcomes if court proceedings are issued:
1. Sheriff prefers your version of events and finds in your favour holding the third party liable for the accident
2. Sheriff prefers the third party’s version of events and you are wholly unsuccessful
3. Sheriff may reach a split liability decision although that is the least likely scenario
I would urge you to give careful consideration to the options at this stage. If you do not wish to accept the offer of 50/50 then we are prepared to issue proceedings on your behalf however I would be reluctant to begin proceedings whilst you are still suffering significantly from your injuries. I would suggest waiting until you have been discharged from physiotherapy then obtaining medical evidence.
I would be obliged to receive your instructions on this matter."
Response (surprisingly enough, from me... ;) )
thank you for this, just received now due to computer problems, else i would have replied sooner.
There is no consideration needed - that is an outright lie by the third party.
I wish to initiate a court action, and see if she is willing to perjure herself in a court of law. While i appreciate that truth is not the invariable decider of a court procedure, i do have faith in the system, and utmost conviction in that there was no vehicle in front of me when [third party] turned straight in front of me.
Regarding my injury, after concerted work on exercises, I have now fully regained range of movement and am working on strength and co-ordination. The nerve pain and numbness remain, but I understand this may take a while.
I do not wish to wait any longer for a medical assessment, I am fit to attend a medical assessment and to undergo the court process...
One historical fact, which both yourself and the third party are almost certainly not aware of to date - I agreed to an out of court settlement the day before an employment tribunal, as i didn't have such support then - after 5 years of harassment and disability discrimination, i always regret not being strong enough to stand up in court and speak the truth then - it is not a mistake i intend to repeat.
Please commence court proceedings immediately. The sooner this is started and therefore completed the better.
Best Regards,
Mr Chariot
There sure as hell was no other vehicle in front of me.
I want to look into the eyes of that mother who was running her child home from school that day, and couldn't apologise enough, and see if she is willing to lie in the Sheriff's Court too..
If she is so low as to do so, i hope her child is there to witness it...
"Please note I have now received a response from the third party insurers. Their client alleges that you were undertaking a vehicle on approach to the junction. Upon reviewing this case it is clear that it is your word against the third party’s and unfortunately there are no independent witnesses to support either version of events.
As you are aware the third party insurers have offered to settle this matter on a split 50/50 basis due to the conflicting version of events and lack of independent witness evidence. If you reject this offer the only option would be to raise court proceedings against the third party however I must make you aware that this does not guarantee a successful outcome. The evidential burden rests on you, as the pursuer to prove, on the balance of probabilities, that the other party was at fault. If you both give equally credible and reliable accounts of what happened, then the Sheriff will have nothing to justify a finding in your favour.
It is therefore important that you understand that that there are three possible outcomes if court proceedings are issued:
1. Sheriff prefers your version of events and finds in your favour holding the third party liable for the accident
2. Sheriff prefers the third party’s version of events and you are wholly unsuccessful
3. Sheriff may reach a split liability decision although that is the least likely scenario
I would urge you to give careful consideration to the options at this stage. If you do not wish to accept the offer of 50/50 then we are prepared to issue proceedings on your behalf however I would be reluctant to begin proceedings whilst you are still suffering significantly from your injuries. I would suggest waiting until you have been discharged from physiotherapy then obtaining medical evidence.
I would be obliged to receive your instructions on this matter."
Response (surprisingly enough, from me... ;) )
thank you for this, just received now due to computer problems, else i would have replied sooner.
There is no consideration needed - that is an outright lie by the third party.
I wish to initiate a court action, and see if she is willing to perjure herself in a court of law. While i appreciate that truth is not the invariable decider of a court procedure, i do have faith in the system, and utmost conviction in that there was no vehicle in front of me when [third party] turned straight in front of me.
Regarding my injury, after concerted work on exercises, I have now fully regained range of movement and am working on strength and co-ordination. The nerve pain and numbness remain, but I understand this may take a while.
I do not wish to wait any longer for a medical assessment, I am fit to attend a medical assessment and to undergo the court process...
One historical fact, which both yourself and the third party are almost certainly not aware of to date - I agreed to an out of court settlement the day before an employment tribunal, as i didn't have such support then - after 5 years of harassment and disability discrimination, i always regret not being strong enough to stand up in court and speak the truth then - it is not a mistake i intend to repeat.
Please commence court proceedings immediately. The sooner this is started and therefore completed the better.
Best Regards,
Mr Chariot
There sure as hell was no other vehicle in front of me.
I want to look into the eyes of that mother who was running her child home from school that day, and couldn't apologise enough, and see if she is willing to lie in the Sheriff's Court too..
If she is so low as to do so, i hope her child is there to witness it...
Tuesday, 14 July 2009
good news/bad news
One of the worst things about having an anxiety disorder is 'habituation'.
- The brain and the body become used to triggering the fight or flight system with the slightest cue, often overreacting massively, flooding the body with adrenaline at the slightest trigger...
Instead of 'fight or flight' being a useful response, it becomes disabling - both when the adrenaline is (over)doing it's thing, and afterwards, feeling sick, queasy, drained and exhausted with the nasty adrenaline chemical breakdown products floating round the system.
Without wanting to be too graphic, one of the primal responses to fight or flight, apart from the eyes widening, hyper-vigilance, shakiness and so on, is for the body to want to make itself as light as possible should running away be required. so, nausea at one end, and i'll hesitate to describe the other..suffice it to say that the pain meds i'd been on for a few years should have the side effect of a large cork inserted, er, somewhere, my digestion has often been the other way, so much so i've had to sometimes take extra medications purely to slow down the digestive tract...
Aaanyway, apologies for the above slightly graphic paragraph, guess i just wanted to highlight that anxiety doesn't just exist in the head, it can also cause real physical problems too.
Back to the title - once habituated to an anxiety response, the damned thing fires up at the slightest stimulus, anything out of the ordinary, and WHAM! cue adrenaline, cue nausea and everything else...
In many ways, my trip away should be good news, but the reaction is just the same. feeling 'unwell' while at home is one thing, add the embarrassment of being so elsewhere, and frankly, it's not good...
In a couple of days, i'm due to go visit my parents. it's not far away, maybe less than 150 miles, but after the broken bone 8 weeks ago today, i think i'm pushing it to use my own transport, so am stuck with public transport or feeling guilty about my elderly father driving here and back in a day to come get me - which isn't good for him, and as he gets older being a passenger in the car gets more worrying as his road behaviour, observation, reactions etc. aren't what they used to be... couple that with being away from the flat and being unable to check things are ok, my OCD is also going to flare up big time, with nowhere to really escape to...
Meantime, just been getting quite annoyed with myself over the whole thing. i know, given my various conditions, ailments and failings, that there are good reasons why i'm feeling how i am about it, there's a very dominant voice in my head telling me
"FFS, you're just going away for a few nights to be fed well* and looked after, you're even picking up a hefty cheque while you're there (my folks have come into a fairly healthy chunk of money and want to give me some of it**), what the [bleep] is your problem?!"
To cap things off, i made the mistake of telling my support worker how stressed i was, and how i was feeling about it.. as she was visiting yesterday, she phoned beforehand and asked if there was anything she could bring, like milk or other essentials, my semi-jokey reply was "no thanks, unless you've got a shotgun and a couple of cartridges i can apply orally..."
Oops.
So, i'm now on some kind of suicide watch/at-risk register thing, and will have them calling me to check i'm still alive on the days i'm away - another thing which is just going to cause more awkwardness and embarrassment... :(
Still, i can't get out of it, so just trying to get enough medication sorted for the trip away, sort out my insurance and legal correspondence and a few other bits and bobs, and reschedule/cancel various meetings/treatments and so on while i'm not here. speaking of which, guess i'd better get going - things to do, people to see...
Anyway, whine over for now. one day soon, i'll make a more positive entry - honest!
(*holds crossed fingers behind back while saying this*)
Catcha later, blog!
Meanwhile another probably meaningless parable...
Conviction
Talal Nazaf was received with great honour at the Court of Cordoba.
His reputation had been known there for many years: courtiers and Emirs vied with one another to speak well of him.
A certain scholar, however, asked him this question: "I have read your books and wonder why so much in them is directed towards the stupid, and so little towards the wise."
Talal said: "Most of it is directed towards such as you."
That evening he was taking a meal at the house of the Grand Qadi (judge), who remarked, with delicacy: "A certain robustness of speech here in Cordoba might cause those who are well-disposed, and yet sensitive, to change their attitude towards a newcomer."
The Sufi said: "Those who have observed that such sensitivity, acted upon by forthrightness, produces hostility, have learned that such a change is merely a change of opinion.
"I am here to demonstrate that a change of opinion is in itself not a change of understanding. Opinion is built upon sand.
Knowledge is built upon rock. If a man is only convinced that I am good, he may be as stupid as one who is only convinced that I am bad.
"Conviction, far from being based upon reason, is the enemy of reason; because rationality does not change, while convictions do, all the time."
as collected by Idries Shah
*unfortunately the 'fed well' bit is a problem too - the nausea makes it difficult for me to eat most of the day, and also will probably be trying to minimise what i do eat to avoid the other, ahem 'side effects' - which is something that also worries my folks - they're really quite vigilant about that sort of thing with my sister having been anorexic for many years...
** the money itself is causing me lots of worries too - although it could really help (and i'd be lying if i said i hadn't been looking at the Ducati Performance catalogue for upgrades and a few other costly things!), think i'd quite happily refuse it if i could, except that would cause even more problems and worry with my folks...
- The brain and the body become used to triggering the fight or flight system with the slightest cue, often overreacting massively, flooding the body with adrenaline at the slightest trigger...
Instead of 'fight or flight' being a useful response, it becomes disabling - both when the adrenaline is (over)doing it's thing, and afterwards, feeling sick, queasy, drained and exhausted with the nasty adrenaline chemical breakdown products floating round the system.
Without wanting to be too graphic, one of the primal responses to fight or flight, apart from the eyes widening, hyper-vigilance, shakiness and so on, is for the body to want to make itself as light as possible should running away be required. so, nausea at one end, and i'll hesitate to describe the other..suffice it to say that the pain meds i'd been on for a few years should have the side effect of a large cork inserted, er, somewhere, my digestion has often been the other way, so much so i've had to sometimes take extra medications purely to slow down the digestive tract...
Aaanyway, apologies for the above slightly graphic paragraph, guess i just wanted to highlight that anxiety doesn't just exist in the head, it can also cause real physical problems too.
Back to the title - once habituated to an anxiety response, the damned thing fires up at the slightest stimulus, anything out of the ordinary, and WHAM! cue adrenaline, cue nausea and everything else...
In many ways, my trip away should be good news, but the reaction is just the same. feeling 'unwell' while at home is one thing, add the embarrassment of being so elsewhere, and frankly, it's not good...
In a couple of days, i'm due to go visit my parents. it's not far away, maybe less than 150 miles, but after the broken bone 8 weeks ago today, i think i'm pushing it to use my own transport, so am stuck with public transport or feeling guilty about my elderly father driving here and back in a day to come get me - which isn't good for him, and as he gets older being a passenger in the car gets more worrying as his road behaviour, observation, reactions etc. aren't what they used to be... couple that with being away from the flat and being unable to check things are ok, my OCD is also going to flare up big time, with nowhere to really escape to...
Meantime, just been getting quite annoyed with myself over the whole thing. i know, given my various conditions, ailments and failings, that there are good reasons why i'm feeling how i am about it, there's a very dominant voice in my head telling me
"FFS, you're just going away for a few nights to be fed well* and looked after, you're even picking up a hefty cheque while you're there (my folks have come into a fairly healthy chunk of money and want to give me some of it**), what the [bleep] is your problem?!"
To cap things off, i made the mistake of telling my support worker how stressed i was, and how i was feeling about it.. as she was visiting yesterday, she phoned beforehand and asked if there was anything she could bring, like milk or other essentials, my semi-jokey reply was "no thanks, unless you've got a shotgun and a couple of cartridges i can apply orally..."
Oops.
So, i'm now on some kind of suicide watch/at-risk register thing, and will have them calling me to check i'm still alive on the days i'm away - another thing which is just going to cause more awkwardness and embarrassment... :(
Still, i can't get out of it, so just trying to get enough medication sorted for the trip away, sort out my insurance and legal correspondence and a few other bits and bobs, and reschedule/cancel various meetings/treatments and so on while i'm not here. speaking of which, guess i'd better get going - things to do, people to see...
Anyway, whine over for now. one day soon, i'll make a more positive entry - honest!
(*holds crossed fingers behind back while saying this*)
Catcha later, blog!
Meanwhile another probably meaningless parable...
Conviction
Talal Nazaf was received with great honour at the Court of Cordoba.
His reputation had been known there for many years: courtiers and Emirs vied with one another to speak well of him.
A certain scholar, however, asked him this question: "I have read your books and wonder why so much in them is directed towards the stupid, and so little towards the wise."
Talal said: "Most of it is directed towards such as you."
That evening he was taking a meal at the house of the Grand Qadi (judge), who remarked, with delicacy: "A certain robustness of speech here in Cordoba might cause those who are well-disposed, and yet sensitive, to change their attitude towards a newcomer."
The Sufi said: "Those who have observed that such sensitivity, acted upon by forthrightness, produces hostility, have learned that such a change is merely a change of opinion.
"I am here to demonstrate that a change of opinion is in itself not a change of understanding. Opinion is built upon sand.
Knowledge is built upon rock. If a man is only convinced that I am good, he may be as stupid as one who is only convinced that I am bad.
"Conviction, far from being based upon reason, is the enemy of reason; because rationality does not change, while convictions do, all the time."
as collected by Idries Shah
*unfortunately the 'fed well' bit is a problem too - the nausea makes it difficult for me to eat most of the day, and also will probably be trying to minimise what i do eat to avoid the other, ahem 'side effects' - which is something that also worries my folks - they're really quite vigilant about that sort of thing with my sister having been anorexic for many years...
** the money itself is causing me lots of worries too - although it could really help (and i'd be lying if i said i hadn't been looking at the Ducati Performance catalogue for upgrades and a few other costly things!), think i'd quite happily refuse it if i could, except that would cause even more problems and worry with my folks...
Wednesday, 8 July 2009
blip
I guess after doing so well for weeks, the anxiety was bound to come back and bite me. And bite it did in a big way, all the more noticeable for the difference to my mood of late.
I know what brought it on, and it is things out of my control and things that getting worked up about does me no good..but still it got to me...
6am this morning i was still awake, brain not just running at high speed, but screaming away banging off the mental rev limiter in top...
Last Friday, I was backing up an old blog from four or five years ago - one of the big stresses at the time was trying to get a replacement laptop from an insurance company after mine had been stolen, and I started catastrophising about the insurance issues surrounding the bike accident...
...as things stand, since the accident on 19th may, the 3rd party's insurer has changed from Norwich Union to Aviva, apparently with an internal re-organisation, meaning the paperwork was delayed 'on the wrong desk', it was then given to someone who didn't have any authority to handle claims and delayed there, was then given to someone who *did* have authority, but in England not in Scotland..it finally made it to the desk of an Aviva claims assessor able to deal with Scottish claims on July 1st... the liability hasn't even been reviewed yet..
Last Friday, I had a call from the accident lawyer, saying that the claims handler on my side would be in touch mid-this week after Aviva had reviewed it - I've now had emails saying Aviva may respond in the next 10-14 days, although legally, they could delay replying for up to 3 months(!)
...And there could possibly be lots more legal and bureaucratical to-ing and fro-ing after that...
I've also been told that any compensation for my arm damage won't even be assessed until I'm discharged from physiotherapy, judging by the way it is, that could be a while, or I could end up just discharging myself to get things going, even though previous injuries have shown me that's not a good idea...
With the gloom and pre-occupation with that, the anxiety just snuck up no me - I stopped going out for a couple of days, was even stammering trying to talk to anyone other than my OH - I even hid away from chatting to her for a couple of nights...
Had enough of the blip. Am on the way back now, off tomorrow to go and see the social work department to arrange the disabled person's travel pass i should have arranged a few years ago, also got a medical referral to my local swimming pool and sports centre for an exercise pass, and then got my physio in the afternoon, where hopefully the picture will be a bit clearer...
Just annoyed that as things stand, i have to pay the insurance excess on the bike to get it back when the parts finally do arrive... kind of given up holding my breath on that one right now too...good job i had more than one set of bike clothing too, although should really replace helmet to be safe...
Still, coming back, getting things sorted, not letting the buggers grind me down this time, accepting help, and grateful for a lot of things...
Guess that's my cathartic rant done, I'm off to try and be nice to myself and see if I can't do a bit better on the sleep tonight...
Until next time, another musing on patience...
A practical joker challenged Nasrudin in the teahouse: "People say you are very clever. But I bet you a hundred gold pieces you can't fool me!"
"I can, just wait for me," said Nasrudin, and walked out.
Three hours later, the man was still waiting for Nasrudin and his trick. Finally he conceded that he had been fooled.
He went to the Mulla's house and put a bag of gold as his forfeit through the window.
Nasrudin was lying on his bed, planning his trick. He heard the chink of coins, found the bag and counted the gold.
"Good," he said to his wife, "kind destiny has sent me something to pay my bet with if I lose. Now all I have to do is to think out some stratagem to fool the joker who is, no doubt impatiently, awaiting me in the teahouse."
as collected by Idries Shah
I know what brought it on, and it is things out of my control and things that getting worked up about does me no good..but still it got to me...
6am this morning i was still awake, brain not just running at high speed, but screaming away banging off the mental rev limiter in top...
Last Friday, I was backing up an old blog from four or five years ago - one of the big stresses at the time was trying to get a replacement laptop from an insurance company after mine had been stolen, and I started catastrophising about the insurance issues surrounding the bike accident...
...as things stand, since the accident on 19th may, the 3rd party's insurer has changed from Norwich Union to Aviva, apparently with an internal re-organisation, meaning the paperwork was delayed 'on the wrong desk', it was then given to someone who didn't have any authority to handle claims and delayed there, was then given to someone who *did* have authority, but in England not in Scotland..it finally made it to the desk of an Aviva claims assessor able to deal with Scottish claims on July 1st... the liability hasn't even been reviewed yet..
Last Friday, I had a call from the accident lawyer, saying that the claims handler on my side would be in touch mid-this week after Aviva had reviewed it - I've now had emails saying Aviva may respond in the next 10-14 days, although legally, they could delay replying for up to 3 months(!)
...And there could possibly be lots more legal and bureaucratical to-ing and fro-ing after that...
I've also been told that any compensation for my arm damage won't even be assessed until I'm discharged from physiotherapy, judging by the way it is, that could be a while, or I could end up just discharging myself to get things going, even though previous injuries have shown me that's not a good idea...
With the gloom and pre-occupation with that, the anxiety just snuck up no me - I stopped going out for a couple of days, was even stammering trying to talk to anyone other than my OH - I even hid away from chatting to her for a couple of nights...
Had enough of the blip. Am on the way back now, off tomorrow to go and see the social work department to arrange the disabled person's travel pass i should have arranged a few years ago, also got a medical referral to my local swimming pool and sports centre for an exercise pass, and then got my physio in the afternoon, where hopefully the picture will be a bit clearer...
Just annoyed that as things stand, i have to pay the insurance excess on the bike to get it back when the parts finally do arrive... kind of given up holding my breath on that one right now too...good job i had more than one set of bike clothing too, although should really replace helmet to be safe...
Still, coming back, getting things sorted, not letting the buggers grind me down this time, accepting help, and grateful for a lot of things...
Guess that's my cathartic rant done, I'm off to try and be nice to myself and see if I can't do a bit better on the sleep tonight...
Until next time, another musing on patience...
A practical joker challenged Nasrudin in the teahouse: "People say you are very clever. But I bet you a hundred gold pieces you can't fool me!"
"I can, just wait for me," said Nasrudin, and walked out.
Three hours later, the man was still waiting for Nasrudin and his trick. Finally he conceded that he had been fooled.
He went to the Mulla's house and put a bag of gold as his forfeit through the window.
Nasrudin was lying on his bed, planning his trick. He heard the chink of coins, found the bag and counted the gold.
"Good," he said to his wife, "kind destiny has sent me something to pay my bet with if I lose. Now all I have to do is to think out some stratagem to fool the joker who is, no doubt impatiently, awaiting me in the teahouse."
as collected by Idries Shah
Monday, 6 July 2009
Planet Bobby - Mostly 'Armless
hello blog, guess it's been a bit since we spoke.
probably not that much new to report.
getting a bit fed up with the arm. was pleased to get the all clear to ride a motorcycle again within six weeks after being told 3 months on the evening i broke it - i was fairly determined, and practiced my grip and resistance that would be tested. i'm also doing the exercises from my physio pretty well, but several times a day i shrug, or try and rotate my shoulder a little to put a jacket on, or slide my arm up a smidge and under the duvet, and just knock myself utterly sick with pain...
i've knocked myself sick just opening the freezer, ffs...
Far more pernicious is the nerve pain...
I remember as a schoolkid we used to have this thing of giving each other 'chinese burns' - probably not a very PC term these days, i guess. the so-called chinese burn was done by grabbing the victim's wrist by both hands and gripping and turning hands round the wrist in opposite directions, producing a feeling of a friction burn.. my arm feels like that constantly. also get shooting burning pain when i overdo things, and part of my forearm is numb... the Lyrica definitely seems to help, but doesn't last the full 12 hours...
Sooo, sorry if a bit gloomy of late, am sure i'll perk up again...just catastrophising things a bit right now and letting the fear back in - maybe it's time to come out fighting again, but i'm tired...
Meantime, something random.. how unlike me ;)
Nasrudin came late among the crowd waiting for the doctor's attentions. He was repeating with a loud voice, over and over again: "I hope I'm very ill, I hope I'm very ill!'
He so demoralized the other sufferers that they insisted on his going in to see the physian first.
"I only hope I'm very ill!" he shouted to the doctor.
"Why?"
"I'd hate to think that anyone who feels like me was really fit and well!"
as collected by Idries Shah
In Khanabad, Mulla Nasrudin was sitting in a teahouse when a stranger walked in and sat down beside him.
The newcomer said: "Why is that man over there sobbing his heart out?"
"Because I have just come from his home town and told him that all his winter camel fodder was lost in a fire."
"It is terrible to be a bearer of such tidings," said the stranger.
"It is also interesting to be the man who will shortly tell him the good news," said Nasrudin. "You see, his camels have died of the plague, so he will not need the fodder after all."
as collected by Idries Shah
A monk said to Nasrudin: "I am so detached that I never think of myself, only of others."
Nasrudin answered: "I am so objective that I can look at myself as if I were another person; so I can afford to think of myself."
as collected by Idries Shah
probably not that much new to report.
getting a bit fed up with the arm. was pleased to get the all clear to ride a motorcycle again within six weeks after being told 3 months on the evening i broke it - i was fairly determined, and practiced my grip and resistance that would be tested. i'm also doing the exercises from my physio pretty well, but several times a day i shrug, or try and rotate my shoulder a little to put a jacket on, or slide my arm up a smidge and under the duvet, and just knock myself utterly sick with pain...
i've knocked myself sick just opening the freezer, ffs...
Far more pernicious is the nerve pain...
I remember as a schoolkid we used to have this thing of giving each other 'chinese burns' - probably not a very PC term these days, i guess. the so-called chinese burn was done by grabbing the victim's wrist by both hands and gripping and turning hands round the wrist in opposite directions, producing a feeling of a friction burn.. my arm feels like that constantly. also get shooting burning pain when i overdo things, and part of my forearm is numb... the Lyrica definitely seems to help, but doesn't last the full 12 hours...
Sooo, sorry if a bit gloomy of late, am sure i'll perk up again...just catastrophising things a bit right now and letting the fear back in - maybe it's time to come out fighting again, but i'm tired...
Meantime, something random.. how unlike me ;)
Nasrudin came late among the crowd waiting for the doctor's attentions. He was repeating with a loud voice, over and over again: "I hope I'm very ill, I hope I'm very ill!'
He so demoralized the other sufferers that they insisted on his going in to see the physian first.
"I only hope I'm very ill!" he shouted to the doctor.
"Why?"
"I'd hate to think that anyone who feels like me was really fit and well!"
as collected by Idries Shah
In Khanabad, Mulla Nasrudin was sitting in a teahouse when a stranger walked in and sat down beside him.
The newcomer said: "Why is that man over there sobbing his heart out?"
"Because I have just come from his home town and told him that all his winter camel fodder was lost in a fire."
"It is terrible to be a bearer of such tidings," said the stranger.
"It is also interesting to be the man who will shortly tell him the good news," said Nasrudin. "You see, his camels have died of the plague, so he will not need the fodder after all."
as collected by Idries Shah
A monk said to Nasrudin: "I am so detached that I never think of myself, only of others."
Nasrudin answered: "I am so objective that I can look at myself as if I were another person; so I can afford to think of myself."
as collected by Idries Shah
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